Aren’t you glad that education in America is so well funded?
What?! There’s a budget crisis? Where? Everywhere?! Hmmmm…
I guess that explains why the news has been so chock full of “innovative” (meaning “huh?”) ways to offset costs for the operation of schools. , such as..
Whacking off the last few pesky weeks of the school year (Honolulu Star Bulletin 4/16/10), cutting high school sports (Boston Globe 4/15/10, although the decision was later reversed), or by selling off extra property on Ebay (Pioneer Press 4/14/10). You could even declare a budget crisis, fire several hundred teachers, and then discover that , oops, you actually had a $34 million budget SURPLUS (Washington Post 4/17/10). Sorry about that.
Maybe you feel like there is something you should do. “But,” you say, “I’m not a politician.”
First of all, congratulations on not being a politician. Secondly, stop talking to yourself. People will think you are nuts, which will make you much more likely to be mistaken for a politician. And finally, maybe you should try a few of these completely (un)useful suggestions below to help save your school’s shrinking budget.
Methods to Save Your School Budget
- Replace school buses with tandem bicycles (and simultaneously address the issue of childhood obesity).
- Issue fines to students for serious infractions, such as running in the hall, turning work in late, and speaking to the teacher before she has had her coffee.
- Set up an Ebay account to sell off unnecessary equipment, such as laptops, projectors, and budgeting software.
- Replace health insurance contributions with lottery scratch-and-win tickets. As a bonus, a few of the tickets should be unscratched.
- Eliminate unnecessary personnel, such as the Second Administrative Assistant to the Junior Custodian in Training, or the Superintendent.
- Do NOT charge students for water. It is illegal and unethical. However, DO charge them to go to the restroom. You could call the program “Potties for Pencils” or “Toilets for Teachers”. How about “Commodes for Curriculum”?
- Install a toll booth for the car-rider pick up line
- Sell baseball bats to drivers who would like to have a discussion with violators of the car-rider pick up line.
- Sell “Get Out of Teacher Conference” passes to parents.
- Sell “Get Out of Teacher Conference” passes to teachers.
- Reduce the landscaping budget by having science students investigate the effect of mechanical cutting devices on local plant life (namely, the grass).
- Change “D-Hall” into “Car Wash Hall”
- Provide electricity only to teachers that can prove that they REALLY need it for something other than heat, air-conditioning, lighting, or microwave popcorn.
- Save on printing costs by replacing report cards with “high fives” and “loser” gestures.
- Install Advil vending machines in the teachers’ lounge.
- Replace cafeteria services with parking lot mobile food providers. “3 For a Dollar Tacos, brought to you by Joe’s Roach Coach!” (Editor’s note: Many mobile food providers are NOT actually infested with roaches. Only the ones that visit parking lots and sell food).
- Rent short-range cell phone jammers to teachers.
- Rents short-range cell phone jammer jammers to students.
- Rent short-range cell phone jammer jammer jammers to… well, you get the picture.
- Sell the school’s naming rights to a local business. “Welcome to Apollo’s Middle School and Gyros, Home of the Fighting Mousaka and Half Price Tuesdays!”
- Since teachers get SO much time off, pay them only for the days that they actually work. (This plan was later rejected when teachers began turning in time sheets that included the nights, weekends, and summer hours they worked, effectively tripling the budget deficit).
Let me know how it works out for you. Go Mousaka!