The Cluttered Desk

According to The Star-Ledger, A New Jersey high school assistant principal has completed a 230 page doctoral dissertation on why senior students do less work as they get closer to graduation.  I am pretty sure this could have been reduced to just 3 sentences.  And one of them would be “Duh!”

Aren’t you glad that education in America is so well funded? 

What?!  There’s a budget crisis?  Where?  Everywhere?!  Hmmmm…

I guess that explains why the news has been so chock full of “innovative” (meaning “huh?”) ways to offset costs for the operation of schools.  , such as..

Whacking off the last few pesky weeks of the school year (Honolulu Star Bulletin  4/16/10), cutting high school sports (Boston Globe  4/15/10, although the decision was later reversed), or by selling off extra property on Ebay (Pioneer Press  4/14/10).    You could even declare a budget crisis, fire several hundred teachers, and then discover that , oops, you actually had a $34 million budget SURPLUS (Washington Post  4/17/10).  Sorry about that.

Maybe you feel like there is something you should do.   “But,” you say, “I’m not a politician.”

First of all, congratulations on not being a politician.  Secondly, stop talking to yourself.  People will think you are nuts, which will make you much more likely to be mistaken for a politician.  And finally, maybe you should try a few of these completely (un)useful suggestions below to help save your school’s shrinking budget.

Methods to Save Your School Budget

1. Replace school buses with tandem bicycles (and simultaneously address the issue of childhood obesity).
2. Issue fines to students for serious infractions, such as running in the hall, turning work in late, and speaking to the teacher before she has had her coffee.
3. Set up an Ebay account to sell off unnecessary equipment, such as laptops, projectors, and budgeting software.
4. Replace health insurance contributions with lottery scratch-and-win tickets.  As a bonus, a few of the tickets should be unscratched.
5. Eliminate unnecessary personnel, such as the Second Administrative Assistant to the Junior Custodian in Training, or the Superintendent.
6. Do NOT charge students for water.  It is illegal and unethical.  However, DO charge them to go to the restroom.  You could call the program “Potties for Pencils” or “Toilets for Teachers”.  How about “Commodes for Curriculum”?
7. Install a toll booth for the car-rider pick up line
8. Sell baseball bats to drivers who would like to have a discussion with violators of the car-rider pick up line.
9. Sell “Get Out of Teacher Conference” passes to parents.
10. Sell “Get Out of Teacher Conference” passes to teachers.
11. Reduce the landscaping budget by having science students investigate the effect of mechanical cutting devices on local plant life (namely, the grass).
12. Change “D-Hall” into “Car Wash Hall”
13. Provide electricity only to teachers that can prove that they REALLY need it for something other than heat, air-conditioning, lighting, or microwave popcorn.
14. Save on printing costs by replacing report cards with “high fives” and “loser” gestures.
15. Install Advil vending machines in the teachers’ lounge.
16. Replace cafeteria services with parking lot mobile food providers.   “3 For a Dollar Tacos, brought to you by Joe’s Roach Coach!”  (Editor’s note:  Many mobile food providers are NOT actually infested with roaches.  Only the ones that visit parking lots and sell food).
17. Rent short-range cell phone jammers to teachers.
18. Rents short-range cell phone jammer jammers to students.
19. Rent short-range cell phone jammer jammer jammers to… well, you get the picture.
20. Sell the school’s naming rights to a local business.  “Welcome to Apollo’s Middle School and Gyros, Home of the Fighting Mousaka and Half Price Tuesdays!”
21. Since teachers get SO much time off, pay them only for the days that they actually work.  (This plan was later rejected when teachers began turning in time sheets that included the nights, weekends, and summer hours they worked, effectively tripling the budget deficit).

Let me know how it works out for you.  Go Mousaka!

The Nation’s Report Card, released in March, revealed that gains in reading achievement are lagging far behind those made in mathematics (New York Times, March 24, 2010).    While numerous theories have been set forth to explain this lack of progress, experts have been unable to come to a consensus. 

So…  I decided to investigate for myself and find out…

Why are students having such a difficult time with reading?

I began my investigation at the local mall.  I found 2 teens willing to be interviewed, providing that I maintained a steady flow of a strange substance that seemed to be a combination of cardboard, grease, and unidentifiable animal parts.  They called it pizza.  I don’t know why.

My subjects were a teen boy and a teen girl.  But I had to ask, and I am not entirely sure that they were telling me the truth.  The boy(?) introduced himself as Homeboy Funk Doggy Dog, Grand Master Cheddar Slice, Jay to the K, Down by the Bay, Even in May, Puffness the Third.  I just called him Ray.  The girl introduced herself as Beth.  I called her Wilma. 

Here is the transcript of our interview:

Me:      Thank you so much for taking the time to discuss this issue with me.  I can’t understand why teens have gotten such bad press for being uncommunicative and uncooperative.

Ray:    

Wilma:           

Me:      Okay…  So, why do you think that reading scores are suffering across the nation.

Wilma:     IDK

Me:      Ummm… did you just say I D K?

Wilma:     Y

Me:      Why?  Um… would it be okay if I ask the questions here?

Wilma:     GR8

Me:      I… I don’t really understand what you are saying.

Wilma:     OMG!  UGTBK

Me:      Do you need a doctor?

Wilma:     ROFL

At this point, for reasons I was never able to ascertain, Wilma dropped to the ground and began rolling across the floor, laughing hysterically.  After bouncing off 2 trash cans, 7 discount jewelry kiosks, and a sale sign for “Bob’s Bargain Beaverskin Bags (We Have Prada!)”, Wilma rolled out the door, screaming “TTFN!”

Me:      What… just…

Ray:     That’s whack.

Me:      What?

Ray:     You know.. buggin’.

Me:      Whatever.  Would you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Ray:     Aight.

Me:      Okay.  National reading scores are lagging significantly behind math scores. 

Ray:     I feel you.

Me:      Um.., please don’t.  I am trying to find out why reading scores are suffering.  Would you mind sharing your thoughts?

Ray:     Yo dawg, it’s the teachers!  They always dissing us and gettin’ all up in the kool aid.  Why can’t they just go big up on us sometime, ya know?  They need to make readin’ more kev’d up, really off the hook.  And they need to let us just holla now and then, ‘stead of keepin’ us all zipped.  That’d be da bomb, true dat.  The teachers… they need to square up.

Me:      Uh.. wait.. let me write this down… teachers are dogs… dissing your kool aid… Kevin’s zipper got hooked on a bomb…

Ray:     Man, why you gotta punk me like dat?  Don’t you listen?  ‘Nuf o’dat… I’m gonna bounce.

Strangely, Ray didn’t bounce.  But he did get up and walk out of the mall, dragging about 3 yards worth of extra pants leg material behind him.  As I watched him leave, I began to wonder… could the problems with reading really just be a communication issue?  Are we simply not taking the time to really listen to America’s youth?  And most important of all…  can I make it to Bob’s Bargain Beaverskin Bags before the mall closes?

That would be… groovy.